


it's just a burning memory

by itisjosh



Series: onlypain [5]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Bombs, Destruction, Gen, Heavy Angst, Memories, Music, Names, Nostalgia, Self-Destruction, Wilbur Soot-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:48:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27428197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itisjosh/pseuds/itisjosh
Summary: It's unbearably quiet.
Relationships: Floris | Fundy & Wilbur Soot, Niki | Nihachu & Wilbur Soot, Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit
Series: onlypain [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2027711
Comments: 30
Kudos: 251





	it's just a burning memory

It's unbearably quiet. 

Why is it so quiet?

Oh, right. 

L'manberg is gone. 

Wilbur turns to face his country, his great, unfinished symphony. It's finished now, he thinks. The music in his head screams out in agony, the fire crackling behind it as ambiance. The flag is still burning to the ground, the wind catching the flames, sending them elsewhere. It's almost gorgeous, if he forgets what he is. Who he is, where he is. It's all the same thing, anyways. Does it matter anymore? No, Wilbur thinks. No, it doesn't.

He watches as the fire spreads, watches as the flames ignite once more. It's so bright. It's unbelievably bright, almost to the point in which he wants to turn away. He can't, Wilbur knows that he can't. It's too perfect, too prominent. He did this, didn't he? This is him. This is his orchestra, and he is the one conducting. It would be irresponsible of him to look away, to regret his choice. Regret is such an interesting word. It tastes funny on his tongue, sends anxiety rolling down his chest into the pits of his stomach. It makes his eyes water, and it makes him want to throw up. A lot of words do. Names are even worse. 

_Fundy_ is bitter, with a sad, lingering ache rushing behind it. It's hollow and heartbroken, and Wilbur isn't entirely sure why. Is that important? Was Fundy ever important? Was he even real? Wilbur doesn't know. Part of him wishes that he knew, but the other knows that it's better if he doesn't. It's easier than way. Fundy makes him feel exhausted, like a constant weight is pressing down on his back. Like the entire world is screaming at him, like he's suffocating. Wilbur tries not to think about the name too much. It makes his head hurt, and even worse, it makes his chest tighten. The name makes it hard to breathe, hard to think. As if he should be able to think about something and draw back on happier times, but he can't. Perhaps Fundy was someone close to him. Perhaps he was a friend, a little brother. If Wilbur thinks hard enough, he thinks Fundy could have been his son. Did he ever have children? He doesn't remember. 

_Tommy_ screams at him. The name is full of anger and regret and fury, and Wilbur doesn't like thinking about that name at all. It makes his head scream at him, it makes his lungs seize up, it makes his heart collapse. It makes him cry, and he doesn't know the reason why it happens. Tommy feels like his biggest regret, something that brings him heartbreak and disappointment. He feels as if Tommy is just a name filled with hatred and rage, and Wilbur wishes he knew why. Why does Tommy bring him so much hate, why does that name make him so unbelievably upset? If he looks past the anger and the betrayal, he can almost see the face to the name. A boy with blue eyes and too many scars is all he can make out. If he reaches even further, he can almost, almost feel happiness. Something akin to joy and laughter. Those memories are buried deep, however. Wilbur knows he'll never be able to reach them. 

_Niki_ makes his heart hurt. There's no anger in the name, only disappointment and sadness, tinged with hurt and grief. Niki is the hardest for him to think about. There's never any anger or rage, never any fury drawn out of her name. Only sadness. Every time he thinks of her name, he can feel the entire world shifting, pressing down on his shoulders. It makes him cry, no matter how hard he tries not to. Every single time he thinks of her name, he wishes he could stop breathing. When he reaches further back, he can hear laughter, smell fresh bread and feel the warmth of the sun on his back. He feels himself smiling in those memories, he knows that Niki was, too. He can never see her face. He can never see any of their faces. But _god_ , can he hear her laugh. So full of life and love, so full of joy. Never a negative thought present, only pure happiness. The world feels so much nicer when he goes back to that memory. He wishes it was easier to remember that, and nothing else. 

_Tubbo_ feels like a mixture of anguish and beauty. Wilbur thinks of that name often. It's the easiest one. It makes his head hurt, it makes him curl up and block out every other memory. Tubbo isn't safe, the name has never been safe. Wilbur is well aware that he cannot trust that name, that _that_ name is going to betray him one day. Perhaps it already did. Perhaps Tubbo has already betrayed him. Wilbur knows that _Tubbo_ goes with _Tommy_ , that they are one in the same, that they fit hand and hand together. When he thinks back on it, he can almost see Tubbo. He always shows up with Tommy, Wilbur has never been able to see one without the other. They are always with each other, and he hates it. Tommy is nearly a fond memory when he thinks back, but Tubbo is _not_. Tubbo is filled with panic and anger and fear, and Wilbur hates it. It reminds him that no one is truly on his side, that no one has _ever_ truly been on his side. It makes him want to throw up, to bash his head against a wall. To simply _not be_. 

_Schlatt_ is by far the worst. Every time he thinks of the name, his head fills with fog so thick it doesn't ever fully leave. It enrages him, it makes him lash out and scream and _god he fucking hates that name so much_. Schlatt took everything from him, Schlatt is the reason he's here. Schlatt is the only one he can see perfectly, his disgusting, yellow eyes always stare back at him. They're seared into his skull as a constant reminder of what he's done and why he's done it. Schlatt is the reason, he's always been the reason. His horns glint and his face his smeared with blood and gore, and Wilbur _hates him so fucking much he hates him he hates him he hates h-_ Wilbur _hates_ him. He can feel nothing but pure rage and fury and _anger_ , and Schlatt is..

Wilbur thinks that he killed Schlatt. The memories are recent, they aren't hard to look back on. He stood over his broken and twisted body and he laughed, he stared down at the man and he laughed. He watched the life drain out of his eyes, the blood pool out of his mouth, flooding over his feet. There was so much blood, and Wilbur never got to relish the moment. A shame. 

He believes that Fundy, Tommy, Niki, and Tubbo are dead. He remembers seeing Tommy get shot in a flurry of lights and screaming, he remembers hearing Tubbo's voice echo in his head. He remembers Schlatt's grin, his twisted smile. The way his eyes shined, reflecting the blood. Wilbur remembers seeing Fundy at his feet, blood trickling down the side of his face. His face is a blur, his words were muffled and quiet, and Wilbur still can't hear them no matter how hard he tries to pick them apart. But he does remember the blood. He remembers watching as it flowed out of his chest, as Fundy choked on it. He remembers seeing Fundy collapse at his feet, his hand tightly wrapped around Wilbur's leg. Wilbur remembers Niki, and..

She died recently, he thinks. It was his fault. He killed her. He walked through the ruins of L'manberg, walked through the wake of destruction and ash. He saw the body, the one covered in smoke and burns. Wilbur..

He remembers screaming. 

The ambiance in his head shouted back, the warning signals blaring in his skull. He remembers hitting the ground, he remembers his body shattering in half. Tommy was the first crack, he thinks. Watching Fundy was the second. Seeing Niki was the third. 

Wilbur doesn't remember much about the war itself. But he does remember that Niki was not nearly as involved as everyone else was. And even if she was, she had always fought for what was right. Tommy did, too. Neither of them deserved to die. But Niki even less. 

Wilbur blinks out his thoughts, staring at the smoky remains of L'manburg. He sways to the rhythm the music tells him, watching as the fire crackles.

Perhaps it isn't so quiet, after all. 


End file.
